Those of you who’ve read the archives, or followed for a while, have an inkling of some of the personal stuff going on in my life. While I don’t usually hire out skywriters or anything like that to advertise, I also have made no secret of the fact that I struggle with infertility and have had to deal with the loss of a pregnancy.
Some of you may also have realized that, while I’m not exceptionally overt about my faith, it’s an important piece of my life and who I am. If not for my faith, there were a lot of times in my life when I could have given up on everything. My faith has kept me going.
This struggle with infertility has been a true test of my faith, believe me. And I admit, there have been times in the past two and a half years when I was really close to losing my faith. I’m not sure what kept it in place, what continues to keep it in place.
I am at a bit of a crossroads right now, and it feels a little bit like everybody’s got a bit of advice for me on what path I should take. Some of the comments, the attempts to help, are a little hurtful, even though they’re made with the best intentions. A lot of people just don’t have a grasp of the etiquette of supporting a friend or family member dealing with infertility.
I have had to learn to let go of a lot of things, and to ignore a lot of what people say. They aren’t in my shoes, they don’t know what discussions I’ve had with my husband, my doctor, myself, with God. At the end of the day, I just need people to be supportive of the decisions I need to make, based on my beliefs and what’s right for my family.
Those decisions have been weighing on me a lot over the past couple weeks because, as I said, I’m at a crossroads. Actually, not even a crossroads, because that would indicate there are three possible paths to take: keep going straight in the current path, or turn onto one of two other paths. No, it’s more of a “this road has come to a T.” After this month, I can’t go further on the path we’re on.
I don’t know what’s going to happen. There are a lot of unknowns right now, except for the absolute fact that I want to be a mother. Actually, I am a mother. Perhaps that’s part of why my faith has remained, despite everything that’s gone wrong – I have to believe that the baby I lost is in Heaven, and that someday we will be reunited. I just have to believe that.
In the meantime, as I try to get all zen about what could possibly happen beyond this month, there’s going to be a whole lot of praying going on in this house.